If all the young lasses were locks on a gate

Then I’d be the key to insert and rotate

If all the young lasses were boats on the ocean

Then I’d be the waves and I’d show ’em the motion

If all the young lasses were fish in the pool

Then I’d be the shark with my waterproof tool

If all the young lasses were telephone poles

Then I’d be the squirrel to crack nuts in their holes

If all the young lasses were musical notes

Then I’d be the huge pianist and I’d play ’em by rote

If all the young lasses were sheep in the clover

Then I’d ram and I’d ram and I’d ram ’em all over

If all the young lasses were winds of the sea

Then I’d be a sail and I’d let them blow me

I wish all the young laddies were pipes in the yard

After I drained ’em they’d still remain hard

If laddies were watches in shiny gold cases

Then I’d be the hands and I’d sit on their faces

If all the young laddies were coconuts sweet

Then I’d suck out their juices and chew on their meat

If all the young laddies were needles and pins

Then I’d be cushion to hold their pricks in

If all the young laddies were puppies full grown

Then I’d be the ground where they can bury their bone

If all the young laddies were singing this song

It’d be over too quick and it’d be half as long